Written by Ariane Beeston from Centre for Perinatal Excellence (COPE)

The fourth trimester can seem to pass by in a blur. Sleepless nights coupled with trying to get the hang of feeding, burping, bathing and settling your baby can be a shock to the system!

Remember it’s completely normal not to enjoy ‘every moment’ of being a mum – and to grapple with feelings of frustration, boredom, even grief. What can help, however, is to find pockets of joy, fun and delight, and make a conscious choice to savour these moments.

Here are some ideas for chasing joy (and keeping your sense of humour):

• Rediscover play: Parenthood offers us the chance to rediscover our sense of fun and play, awaken your inner-child, and revisit activities that brought us joy in our childhood – whether that’s singing nursery rhymes, sliding down a slippery dip, holding your little one on the swings or making sandcastles.
• Join a mother’s group or community activity: One of the great paradoxes of motherhood is that you can feel lonely even though you’re almost never alone. While some friendships may change after welcoming your baby – particularly with those who don’t have children, motherhood offers the chance to make new parent-friends, who are navigating similar challenges.
• Explore your new sense of self: Have you heard the term ‘matrescence’? The concept of matrescence highlights the changes women experience as they become mothers – to their body, mind, identity and relationships. At times, particularly in those first few months in the baby bubble, it can seem as though the all-consuming demands of motherhood swallow you whole.

During the fourth trimester – and beyond – many mums can experience a sense of not knowing who they are anymore, of having ‘lost’ themselves. To some degree, it’s inevitable that who you were before children will change as a result of becoming a mum. Your priorities shift, you have less time and your heart stretches and fills with a new fierce, unconditional love.

And yet, rather than losing your identity, motherhood can add a new, rich layer to your identity. Motherhood is something you can incorporate into the way you see yourself, a part of who you are, rather than defining you completely. Somewhere between the nappies and the pride of watching your children grow, you can find yourself in motherhood, too.

• Embrace the mess and chaos – ‘Witching hours’, runny noses and a house strewn with toys are all part of raising children. And yet, there’s something about the mess and mayhem of little ones that forces you to stop taking life so seriously. When you’re a mum, your days won’t necessarily go as planned. And that’s ok.
• Learning who you are as a couple: Suddenly having less time together as a couple can be a tough adjustment. Lazy brunches, nice dinners, travel, or simply time to talk about non-baby related things are made all the more difficult (or impossible), at least initially.

Having children requires you to be more creative in the way you nurture your relationship, or going back to basics for a little while. Focus on small kindnesses and stolen moments. Embrace the simple things like; a take-away meal brought home after a trying day, or sending an unexpected heart-lifting text message of love.

And while it’s hard getting used to having less time alone as a couple, watching your partner grow into and embrace their new role as a parent and working it all out together too, is such a privilege and a joy.

Download the free Ready to COPE app

Ready to COPE app has been designed to support and reassure new and expectant parents throughout pregnancy and their first year of parenthood with timely information and advice each week. It also addresses some of the common concerns we often hear about from couples navigating parenthood.

The free app allows self-check-ins for stress, anxiety and depression and helps connect you to community support services, like GymbaROO-KindyROO ,or mental health professionals with expertise in treating perinatal mental illness.

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Author:

Ariane Beeston is a registered psychologist and the Comms Manager at COPE. She is the author of the newly-released book: Because I’m Not Myself,  You See – A memoir of motherhood, madness and coming back from the brink. https://www.blackincbooks.com.au/books/because-im-not-myself-you-see